Looking for a laugh? We've compiled some of the most entertaining gambling humour here for your pleasure, with thanks to the guys at better betting online.
Honey I'm Home!
Two men discuss their late night Baccarat gambling habit:
1st Man: "The one thing I hate about all this is when I go home. I try to be as quiet as possible. I turn off the headlights, turn off the engine and coast into the driveway. Then I ease open the front door, take off my shoes and sneak upstairs as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight."
2nd Man: "Nah, you've got it all wrong! I drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, jump into the house and bang the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home! I run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman? You know, she never even moves!"
Getting the Tip Right
A player holding a thirteen count and his blackjack dealer were discussing whether or not dealers should be tipped.
"Well, I dont think the cards are up to you" said the player. "If I get bad cards, its not the dealers fault. If I get good cards, its not up to him either. So why should I tip him." "Thats not the point" the dealer replied. "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?" Yes, came the reply. "Its the same then. He serves you food, I serve you cards. So you should tip me." "OK, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. Ill take an eight."
How was the Trip to Vegas?
Three guys take their wives on a surprise vacation to Las Vegas for a week. The time flies by, they all have a great time and pretty soon they're back at work, discussing how it was.
The first guy says "I'm not doing that again! Since we've been back, my wife throws her arms in the air and shouts "7 come 11" every night. I've hardly had a good night's sleep! The second guy nods his head "Yeah, same here. She played blackjack in Vegas all the time. Now she slaps the bed all night and screams "hit me light or hit me hard", I can't doze off. The third guy says "You two are lucky you're not me. My wife played slots the whole time we were there. I get to sleep, but I wake up every morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."
What Characterizes a Bum
A bum approaches a man and asks him for $5 to play craps.
Man: "Will you use it for buying booze"
Bum: "No, sir"
Man: "Will you gambling it away, then"?
Bum: "Absolutely NOT!"
Man (bemused): "Why dont you come home with me. I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble."
Two's a Dazzle at the Casino
The craps table at the casino was empty, and the two dealers were getting bored waiting for players to arrive. Suddenly a gorgeous big-busted brunette shows up and says
"Hey boys, what about me betting my $20,000 on a single roll of dice". "Sure" they replied, smiling confidently. "Just one more thing" she added "I feel much luckier when I play completely naked". And in a flash, she stripped off all her clothes, then rolled the dice while yelling "Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!" As soon as the dice stopped, she started jumping up and down, giving each of the dealers a big bosom hug while yelling "OH YES, IVE WON, IVE WON, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT." With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and ran off. The dealers just stared at each other, open-mouthed. Finally one of them asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?" " How should I know" said the second dealer, "I thought you were watching the dice!"
Hold'em and Fold'em
A man returns home from a late poker game one night and finds his monstrous nag of a wife standing by the door with a rolling pin.
"Well, where the hell have you been this late?" she hisses. Quick as a wink, he says "You'll have to pack all your things, dear. I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy. It cost me a Straight Flush!"
Heaven or Hell for Bill Gates?
Finally, one day, Bill Gates arrives at the entrance gates for Heaven and Hell. St Peter looks at him worried and says "Frankly, Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You can choose either Heaven or Hell. Why don't you look around?"
Bill peeks in Heaven and sees a couple of old boring men, sitting around in armchairs. Then Bill takes a look in Hell and sees some great action: juicy women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling and especially poker.
"I love a gamble with poker" says Bill, "I'll go to Hell! But once inside, he is immediately tossed into the fire. "Hey, what's this" Bill yells " Where are all the women, sex and gambling?". "Ah" says the devil with a smirk "That was just a demo version."
Poker Player and His Wife
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
Rent Money for Poker
"That bastard husband lost the rent money playing poker and now he wants me to sleep with the landlord," the housewife told her neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?"
"Well, yes, I admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. But I havent told my husband that the rent is paid up for six months!"
The Leprechaun's Offer
A guy was deep into his poker, playing 10-20 Holdem and stuck at about $300. Suddenly, beside the table next to him appears a little green leprechaun. "Drop your cards, quit poker forever this minute and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars." said the little green fellow. "Yeah, yeah" replies the player, "Just let me get even first."
Four for Poker
The phone rings and the doctor hears his colleagues familiar voice at the other end. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispers the doctor. As he hurriedly puts on his coat, his wife asks, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, pretty serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three other doctors are over there already!"
Your Deal, Fido
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game going on at the far table. As he moves closer, he sees that there is also a dog sitting at the table.
The dog has cards and chips in front of him, and when a hand is dealt, the dog gets his cards too. In turn with the other players, the dog calls, raises, discards, in fact does everything that the other human players are doing.
However, none of the other players seem to mind that that they are playing with a dog. They just treat him like any other player. Finally the man cant stay quiet any longer, so between hands he quietly says to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "Well, hes not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The smartest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Collie that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to put him down." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." asked another, amazed.
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
Who, Me Gambling?
A priest, minister, and rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the senior officer asks:
"Father Shaunessy, were you gambling?"
The priest turns his eyes to heaven, murmuring "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No officer, it was just a social game." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Fredrick, were you gambling?" Again, after a message to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldschmitt, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "So with whom would I be gambling?"
Listening to the Voice From Above
A man is walking along a deserted beach when suddenly he hears a deep voice from Above. "DIG !" it says. He looks around, but there's nobody there. I must be imagining this, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I SAID, DIG !"
So he starts digging with his bare hands, pushing away the sand. A short way down he uncovers a small chest with a rusty lock. "OPEN IT" commands the deep voice.
OK, the man thinks, Ill open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally opened, he sees a gleaming pile of gold coins. "TAKE THEM TO THE CASINO" the deep voice says.
Well, says the man to himself, the casino is just ten minutes walk away, why not? He changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. Now he hears the deep voice saying: "27, PUT IT ALL ON 27". He takes his heavy pile of tokens and drops it at the 27. The table groans under the weight. You can hear a pin drop as the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: "SHIT !"
A woman is losing steadily at the roulette tables in Vegas. All she has left is $50. Totally frustrated, she shouts out
"What lousy luck! What in the world am I going to do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, " Well, maybe you should play your age?" She rushes off to the nearest table. A few seconds later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the table. Could she have won? He pushes his way through the crowd to see the woman lying limp on the floor, with the roulette dealer kneeling over her.
The man is shocked, "What happened?" he asks, "Is she OK?" The dealer replies, "I dont know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
President Clinton was being hosted by the leader of a Central African nation. During the day they discussed how much the Russians had given the country before being tossed out by the new government.
"The Russians were very generous. They built us a power plant, two highways and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
"Russian roulette is a very dangerous game!" Clinton frowned.
"Oh yes" the African leader agreed, "That's why we developed African roulette." Everyone who wants to have good relations with our country must learn to play. I'll show you how." With that, he pushed a buzzer and in marched half a dozen gorgeous women, who immediately dropped all their clothes. "Please choose any one of these women to give you oral sex", he told Clinton.
Well THIS got Clintons blood racing, let me tell you. He was running his eye over all the girls, and about to make his choice, when a question suddenly struck him.
"Whats this got to do with Russian roulette?" The African leader gave an evil smile, leaned across towards Clinton and said softly "One of them is a cannibal."
Twice a Year
John comes home and sees his wife busy packing a case. "Hey, what's up, you going somewhere" he asks in surprise. "Yup", she replies "I'm off to Las Vegas to play slots and something more. I can find men there who will pay me $500 a time for what I give you for free!".
John thought for a moment and started to pack HIS case. "What ARE you doing?" she screamed? "I'm going to come to Vegas with youI wanna see how you're going to manage on $1000 a year!"
This Zoo Takes Coins
Doris was very disappointed in her husband Morris. She nagged that every weekend he would just loaf around the house, watching TV, checking out the ball games, and slurping beer. He also was a slots addict.
"Sunday's is the only day that you can spend some time with your daughter Louise" she complained week after week "Why don't you spend some quality time with her?" Imagine the surprise when Doris came home one Saturday afternoon to see Louise jumping up and down happily.
"Mommy, Mommy guess what happened? Daddy took me to the zoo today, and we saw lots of animals!" "No kidding?" "And guess what?" she continued enthusiastically. "One of them paid ten to one!"
One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly shouts out "Help me, my son's choking! He swallowed a quarter playing slots! Help! Anyone"
Suddenly a man at a nearby table stands up and says "I can help, I'm quite good at this sort of thing." With that, he runs over, puts his hands on the boy's testicles and squeezes hard. The boy lets out a yelp and out pops the quarter. The man walks back to his table as though nothing strange has happened.
"Thank you, oh thank you so much" the father cries "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replies the man. "I'm a tax collector".
There are Slots and Slots
Two Irish mates, OBrien and Shannon, agree to play the slot machines at the casino. When each of them spends the allotted money, they agree, theyll sit on the bench in front of the casino to wait for their friend.
Shannon starts to feed the machines, which gobble up his money double-quick. Before he knows it, hes sitting on that bench, and waiting. He waits and waits, but OBrien is not coming out. After what seems like an eternity, he spots OBrien staggering out of the casino, loaded down with a huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Shannon", said OBrien, "how did you make out"? "
"Well, you can see me here on this bench. But I see you hit it big-time"!
"You bet," said OBrien, "boy, what a machine I found! And lucky not too many people know about it, cos its right at the back. You just cant lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR, FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!"
Money for Operation
A guy hits the big jackpot on a slot machine in Vegas.
As the machine is spitting out the coins, and before the pit boss comes to congratulate the lucky winner, a haggard man approaches him and says, "Sorry, buddy, I dont want to disturb your happy moment, but my mother is at home sick and needs an operation. I just cant afford it. Could you see your way to letting me have $5000 of your winnings"?
The guy looks him up and down and says, "Well, if its true, then I sympathize. But if I do give you some money, how can I be sure that you wont run to the nearest table or machine and gamble it away?" The haggard man jumps back, offended "Oh no sir, I wouldnt do that! Gambling money? Ive got my gambling money!"
The Last Dime
Las Vegas was a bummer for Fred. He had lost all his money and even had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. Luckily he didnt need it because somebody had left the stall door open.
When he came out, he decided to throw the last dime into a slot machine. What do you know - he hit the jackpot! Fred took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Now rich beyond imagination, Fred had to tell everyone his amazing story. He went on the lecture circuit in city after city, telling audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "Nah, youre not the one I'm looking for", said Fred. "I'm looking for the guy who left the toilet door open!"